Active Ignoring for Better Behavior Works — If Done Right

The most effective way to reduce minor attention-seeking behaviors from your child is by ignoring them. Sounds simple, right? But you already know that ignoring whining, pestering, and arguing is rarely easy.

Use the tips below to guide you in putting this behavioral strategy into action. Remember that active ignoring takes time and practice to perfect. Some caregivers also work with a professional trained in effectively utilizing active ignoring.

How to Use Active Ignoring for Attention-Seeking Behaviors

1. Use active ignoring only for minor misbehaviors that are reinforced through attention. This can include:

• whining
• arguing
• interrupting
• yelling
• being purposefully annoying

2. Do not ignore or tolerate dangerous, destructive, or unsafe behavior. Intervene to stop those behaviors immediately and implement appropriate consequences.

3. Do not use active ignoring for non-attention-seeking behaviors. If your child is dragging their feet about brushing their teeth in the morning, for example, they’re probably not doing it to get your attention. You shouldn’t let your child avoid the task, even if they’re whining about it. (In this case, you should think about strategies to encourage your child to brush their teeth, like setting a tooth-brushing alarm, establishing specific rewards for dental hygiene, or maybe changing their toothpaste flavor.)

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4. Ignore minor misbehavior, but don’t ignore your child outright. While actively ignoring, you’re also waiting for the opportunity to give attention to the behavior you want to see. Meet the desired behavior with positive attention as soon as you see it. Say something like, “Thank you for waiting so calmly as I finish up dinner.”

5. Watch your non-verbal communication. There are plenty of ways you can inadvertently give attention to problematic behaviors. Be mindful of facial expressions, eye rolls, huffs and puffs, crossed arms, stances, and other forms of attention. (This takes lots of practice!)

6. Should you explain to your child why you’re ignoring them? It’s not necessary, but this approach can be effective, provided you are mindful of your tone. Consider using “when-then” statements to encourage the behavior you want to see. Don’t say, “I’m not responding to you because you’re whining. That’s not how we talk to each other.” Say, “When you ask me nicely, then I will answer your question.”

7. Expect the behavior to get worse before it improves. When you withdraw your attention from a behavior that used to get your attention, the problem behavior will often get worse before it gets better. (We call this phenomenon an “extinction burst.”) Everyone at home should be prepared for these behaviors to escalate and to continue to actively ignore them — provided they are not dangerous.

[Read: How to Leverage Video Game Psychology to Improve Your Child’s Behavior]

8. Be consistent. It is important to make sure that all of a child’s caregivers can clearly define the problem behavior and are on board with the plan to actively ignore it. Consistently ignoring the problem behavior, while praising the positive behavior that you want to see, will yield the best results.

Attention-Seeking Behaviors and ADHD: Next Steps

• Download: 50 Discipline Tips for Kids with ADHD
• Read: Your Child Is Sending You Signals. Are You Ignoring Them?
• Read: How to Manage Your Child’s Toughest Behavioral Problems

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.

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