Bad Texter? Worse Caller? 6 Ways to Rekindle Cold Friendships

Bad texter? Even worse at making phone calls? Notoriously bad at keeping in touch with friends?

Do you sometimes drown in shame over how long it’s been since you last reached out to a friend? Do you cringe as you remember your last conversation with your friend, eons ago, when the ball was in your court to respond? “There goes another friendship” you think to yourself. The thought of reaching out now, after all this time, makes you want to run and hide.

Life happens. We all juggle so much all the time, and ADHD executive dysfunction subjects others, even those who are important to us, to the dreaded realm of “out of sight, out of mind.” When it happens, you catastrophize. “I’m so bad at keeping in touch,” you think. “No wonder I have no friends.”

[Read: Why Can’t I Make and Keep Friends?]

You may think that your friend wants nothing to do with you. But what if I told you that your friend would probably be thrilled to hear from you, even if it’s been a while?

It doesn’t have to be a half-hour phone call or a video chat. A text or a quick DM via social media works just fine. You may feel uncomfortable when you reach out, but I promise that you’ll feel much better after taking this small but important step. Your friend’s reaction, I hope, will pleasantly surprise you. (Just think about how thrilled you’d feel if an old friend reached out to you.)

Then, use these tips to check in more consistently with friends.

• Whether it’s a certain time of day or the first Saturday of every month, set a schedule around checking in with friends. Use a calendar to set check-ins as recurring events.
• Incorporate check-ins into your existing habits and routines (i.e., habit stacking). Plan to send a text, an email, a voice note, or any other form of communication while you wait for the bus, make your coffee, commute to and from work, and in between other established routines. (Put a sticky note on your coffee maker or program your phone to remind you to check in.)
• Re-break the ice with reference to an inside joke. Say, “I saw this and I thought of that time…”
• Take advantage of holidays, birthdays, and other milestone moments to reach out to friends. Put these important events on your calendar.
• If your friend mentions something coming up — like a medical appointment or a job interview next week — add it to your calendar to remind you to ask about it when the time comes. (Or, better yet, bring it up in your weekly standing meeting.)
• Don’t be afraid to explain your communication habits (including challenges and needs) to your friends, with what I call “communi-splation.” Say, “Hey, I sometimes forget to text back and I’m prone to falling off the radar, but I’m working on it. I do want to see you soon, so please keep texting me about it.” You’ll help others gain insight into you while showing that you’re truly interested in being their friend.

How to Keep in Touch with Friends: Next Steps

• Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults
• Read: Do You Need a Friendship ‘Do-Over’?
• Read: Make Time for Close Friends Every Week

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “An Adult’s Guide to Fostering Friendships with ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #478] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on November 2, 2023.

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