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How to Break the Cycle of Authoritarian Parenting

March 30, 2024

Parenting has changed dramatically over the last century or so. It has evolved from raising obedient children — often using harsh, authoritarian techniques — to raising happy, well-adjusted, resilient kids whose emotional and cognitive development is a priority. That’s a big shift, considering that psychologists only began widely using the term “parenting” to describe the behaviors of mothers and fathers in the 1950s.

Many parents today are raising their children differently than they themselves were raised. In a recent ADDitude poll, about 70% of respondents said they were using a “very different” or “somewhat different” parenting style from the one their parents used with them.

The generational divide is deepened by our evolving understanding of neurodivergence — brain-based differences that affect how someone behaves, thinks, and learns. ADHD, autism, learning differences, and other conditions that tend to be identified in childhood all fall under the umbrella of neurodivergence. Many of these now-commonplace diagnoses were not always recognized and effectively treated in prior generations.

Neurodivergence: Then and Now

Like parenting, societal views of differently wired individuals have also changed significantly. Historically, people whose brains work differently were not celebrated for their neurodivergence; instead, educators and caregivers focused solely on remediating their apparent deficits. Today, we know that our families and communities are made richer by our individual differences. And we understand that leveraging strengths — while also providing constructive support — is critical for neurodivergent children.

Today, we know a lot more about the science of various brain-based conditions. We know that these conditions are not characterological, meaning an aspect of one’s personality, or caused by “bad” parenting. Advocacy from organizations and individuals has helped reduce stigma around neurodivergence and encouraged more schools and institutions to adopt diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives. Meanwhile, technological advances — like autocorrect or text-to-speech capabilities — have helped reduce the strain of day-to-day functioning for neurodivergent individuals, who can sometimes feel like a square peg in a round hole. And we can’t overlook the role of social media, which has allowed many neurodivergent people and their families to find community and belonging.

[Get This Free ADHD Parenting Guide — Strategies for Kids, Tweens & Teens]

The Best Parenting Style for Your Neurodivergent Child

Parenting styles of the past emphasized obedience through harsh discipline and strict enforcement of the rules. This style of parenting is generally known as authoritarian parenting and its techniques, we now know, can cause distress and are linked to maladaptive behaviors. Children, especially neurodivergent children, do not respond well to this form of parenting.

On the other hand, permissive parenting, characterized by high levels of warmth and little to no limit setting, isn’t what our children need either, as this can also lead to negative outcomes. The parenting style with the greatest benefit is in the middle; authoritative parenting combines warmth and limit setting. It’s a dynamic that fosters the parent-child relationship while also providing children with the structure they need for positive development.

From establishing routines to reinforcing positive behaviors and providing appropriate consequences for misbehavior, authoritative parenting offers various strategies to meet your child’s unique needs. Use this parenting guide to look up the most effective strategies for neurodivergent children. You may need to apply these strategies more frequently, over longer periods, and with the help of a mental health professional to best meet your child’s needs.

Neurodivergent Parents of Neurodivergent Children: You’re Doing an Excellent Job

As an adult who was only recently diagnosed with ADHD, how can I help my child when they’re emotional and overstimulated if I also feel the same way?

How do I get my child to follow a regular routine when I myself have ADHD and cannot follow a regular routine?

How do we implement these parenting strategies when they are so unfamiliar to us? It feels incredibly overwhelming when we have ADHD that was never properly addressed in our own childhoods.

[Read: “The Best Neurodivergent Parenting Tips I’ve Ever Received Are…”]

I don’t need to tell you that parenting is hard, especially if you are a neurodivergent parent raising a neurodivergent child and using different approaches than your parents used on you. As a psychologist who helps parents manage ADHD in their children, please hear me when I say that you are not alone, and that you are doing a wonderful job. Acknowledge the progress that you’ve made and are making. Set small goals for yourself and celebrate the small wins. Build and rely upon your support network and take care of yourself — one of the most important behaviors you can model for your child.

Parenting Styles: Next Steps

Sign Up: Behavioral and Emotional Skills Training from the Child Mind Institute
Join: ADDitude’s ADHD Support Group for Parents
Read: Brick Wall, Jellyfish, or Backbone — What Type of Parent Are You?
Learn: Moms and Dads — Lets Turn All Those Can’ts Into Can-Dos

Additional Resources

Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D.
Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D., Arthur L. Robin, Ph.D., and Christine M. Benton
The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D
The Everyday Parenting Toolkit: The Kazdin Method for Easy, Step-by-Step, Lasting Change for You and Your Child by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D.

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.